Funny Nursing Jokes, doctor jokes and hospital jokes Page Five 

Quotes made by Physicians in Actual Medical Records:

Discharge status: alive but without permission.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

 The patient refused an autopsy.

 The patient has no past history of suicides.

 Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

A doctor called his patient:

 I have some good news and some bad news.

 
What’s the good news?

 
The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.

 
That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?

 
The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.

 * * * * *

A doctor enters the examination room.

 
I’m afraid I have some bad news.  You don’t have much longer left to live.

 
How long do I have, Doc?

 
Ten.

 
Ten? Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?

 
The doctor looks at his watch and says

 
Nine.  Eight.  Seven…

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Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much.

Robert Greenleaf, ATT

I learned that the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to work hard at it. Whether you're a musician, a writer, an athlete or a businessman, there is no getting around it. If you do, you'll win—if you don't, you won't.

Bruce Jenner, Olympic Gold Medalist

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.

- Theodore Rubin